Into the free.....chat ups and outs Diary of an occult resolution assistant.
Jed changed the subject as subtlety as the slight brush of the iceberg against the Titanic's hull, onto more intimate conversations. I've not been on too many first dates, occasionally jumping straight to the fourth date, so my slim experience of these things told me to expect lines about beauty, amazing eyes, flattery and very positive body imagery.........They didn't prepare me for the sheer onslaught of comments about body parts and their attractiveness all about himself.
I wasn't here for the chatting up but I was starting to get chagrined over not being complimented on my eyes, hair or clothes; I would even have laughed beatifically if he had commented on the size or pertness of my breasts.
"Its so hard keeping hair like this when out in all weathers and in dust." He said as I tried to remain looking interested. "It takes ages to get back into line, which is time I lose from the gym. Luckily I'm naturally gifted in muscle tone and farm work really helps give definition."
"Tell me more about..." I crowbarred into the monologue a few brief syllables but sadly not enough to steer the careering juggernaut away from its course.
"More about the secret weapons." He ejaculated excitedly flexing his arms so they almost doubled in size. I hid my eyes in an attempt to terminate an eruption of laughter. I could hear him saying 'boom, boom' in a low voice and I knew he was flexing his muscles. I swear, if he turns his head and kisses them I am out of here, investigation or no investigation!
He went on to list a long line of muscle names and flexed each one as he went, his knowledge of the subject was impressive and I hoped Doctors could rattle through the list with equal enthusiasm (although I was sure some of them were names of dinosaurs and car parts). I had time to run through a lot in my head while looking like I was listening to the anatomy lesson. An opening came and I leapt at it.
"Did you say you run?" If you can't beat them, join them. Runners, I thought, tread on a lot of ground and that is what I needed to know about. "Do you ever run by the river in the woods? Its lovely there."
"I do, but only for a few miles of it, then an hour or so along the ramblers path up into the fields and back round to the farm. A couple of laps around the top field if I want to push it then an ice cold shower, it makes the weapons stand out.
"So you know the woods pretty well then?" I hated myself for it but I fluttered my eyes and laid it on thick.
"Not as well as the poachers but better than the game keepers, I do." He lent forward resting his shoulders on the table and reaching his arms out to encompass mine.
"Tell me about the woods. Its such a beautiful place, it must have an interesting history." I had to get as much out of this chat as I could before it turned back to body parts and pumping.........insert your own jokes here.
"Ha, its green and woody. Nothing special at all unless you like birds and crap."
"But there must be local stories about it. I love history and to get a real feel for a place." Gulp, hope this works. "It really turns me on."
This gambit paid off and Jed flushed red but not a blush, more of a call to arms or a rally cry for the big push.
"I don't know anything concrete, but the lads have stories about it. Si recons its haunted and evil spirits walk there at night. Don't believe it, Si also recons aliens have been landing and experimenting on the bloody animal corpse they've been finding.....no, that was last week, this week he is sure its witches and black mass."
"The animals, the guys were talking about that earlier, so was the barman."
"Arn? he never leaves the bar, gets all his info from the daily rag and drunken banter."
"Not Arn, the young one. He was in here earlier and he was telling me about wild dogs running, well wild."
"Him?" Jed gave a sweeping gesture with his hand to pass him off as nothing. "He's new, been here a week tops. No one knows much about him, he's only here during the day while real men are out working (I didn't stop to correct him as last time I looked barman was a job) and he hasn't drunk here at night. Probably goes straight home to Mummy wherever home is. Don't even know his name."
"But the woods." I tried to steer his thoughts back. "What do you think happened there?"
"Me? Nothing. Things happen, animals live there, some of them are really nasty when hungry. Did you know a pig has easily enough strength in its jaw to bite through a mans leg? Stories say they were used to get rid of bodies after murders; and a fox will merrily kill a whole coop full of hens if it gets in but only takes one or two for food."
"So large animals usually turn up inside out away from their homes?"
"Not so much, but it happens. And the papers love a good countryside mauling to remind the urbanites how backwards it is out here and how lucky they are the closest they get to wildlife is a kebab on a Friday."
"Where about does this happen? and how did anyone find out? Its not like its happened on the village green."
Jed considered this and shrugged before he answered. "There's a bend in the river and a couple of things have been found there; but allsorts collect there in the weeds around the bend so anything could fall in and drown and be nibbled by the pike before scaring some poor dog walker half to death; the sheep have been found out in the scrub land by the woods and the bottom fields where they graze. Its not hard to find, still some police tape hanging from the trees around it and the local boys hangout there as they say its cool."
I narrowed down the locations making a mental note of how far the bend was from the fields.
"If I were to ask about witches, would you run away from me?" It was a stab, I asked without even thinking about it.
"Ha." Jed laughed straight at me. "You mean those crazy bitches that flock around Mary? They aren't witches just silly girls turned by someone who fills their heads with feminist crap and tells them they can do what they want and go where they like."
From the change to his tone I picked up a slight anti Mary vibe. It was as subtle as an elephant in an anthill.
"That bitch" He continued and I inserted Mary's name into the second pause after the swear. "She changes people, takes nice girls and makes them so stuck up its like their heads are up their arses."
"Do you know any of them? The girls I mean,"
"Yeah, we know all the local girls. I dated a few of them and now they won't have anything to do with us."
Well, a little education can't be a bad thing I guess and I don't really blame them.
"What's more, she takes them away from their families and packs them off to disappear into nowhere."
I lost track of the continuation of Jed's speech. Echo's of conversations past swirled into the fog of my mind and I was at an initial loss as to how to process it. Mary obviously has a lot of influence over her clique, but is funding them in their education a bad thing? From a local lads point of view as the potential pool of lifetime, or temporary, partners was rapidly being flushed away it must be a devastating and traumatic experience. On the other hand, I had a couple of areas to focus some time on tomorrow if I could find them and that'll have to do unless I get anything else tonight.
A fresh pint was put in front of Jed and a half was slopped down by me. I thanked the farmhand/waiter and felt like saying multiple glasses should be carried on a tray and not by dipping fingers in the top (especially as they had been working on a farm all day with - from my limited experience based on vet shows - with their arms up a cow's bum) but thought better of it.
Timing is everything, especially in comedy and escaping fertility, and as if by Universal coincidence the doors to the Jolly Reaper were opened wide and slow like a gaping yawn and into the public house walked a collection of girls and at their heels entering like a Queen being escorted by her ladies in waiting, flowed Mary.
I wasn't here for the chatting up but I was starting to get chagrined over not being complimented on my eyes, hair or clothes; I would even have laughed beatifically if he had commented on the size or pertness of my breasts.
"Its so hard keeping hair like this when out in all weathers and in dust." He said as I tried to remain looking interested. "It takes ages to get back into line, which is time I lose from the gym. Luckily I'm naturally gifted in muscle tone and farm work really helps give definition."
"Tell me more about..." I crowbarred into the monologue a few brief syllables but sadly not enough to steer the careering juggernaut away from its course.
"More about the secret weapons." He ejaculated excitedly flexing his arms so they almost doubled in size. I hid my eyes in an attempt to terminate an eruption of laughter. I could hear him saying 'boom, boom' in a low voice and I knew he was flexing his muscles. I swear, if he turns his head and kisses them I am out of here, investigation or no investigation!
He went on to list a long line of muscle names and flexed each one as he went, his knowledge of the subject was impressive and I hoped Doctors could rattle through the list with equal enthusiasm (although I was sure some of them were names of dinosaurs and car parts). I had time to run through a lot in my head while looking like I was listening to the anatomy lesson. An opening came and I leapt at it.
"Did you say you run?" If you can't beat them, join them. Runners, I thought, tread on a lot of ground and that is what I needed to know about. "Do you ever run by the river in the woods? Its lovely there."
"I do, but only for a few miles of it, then an hour or so along the ramblers path up into the fields and back round to the farm. A couple of laps around the top field if I want to push it then an ice cold shower, it makes the weapons stand out.
"So you know the woods pretty well then?" I hated myself for it but I fluttered my eyes and laid it on thick.
"Not as well as the poachers but better than the game keepers, I do." He lent forward resting his shoulders on the table and reaching his arms out to encompass mine.
"Tell me about the woods. Its such a beautiful place, it must have an interesting history." I had to get as much out of this chat as I could before it turned back to body parts and pumping.........insert your own jokes here.
"Ha, its green and woody. Nothing special at all unless you like birds and crap."
"But there must be local stories about it. I love history and to get a real feel for a place." Gulp, hope this works. "It really turns me on."
This gambit paid off and Jed flushed red but not a blush, more of a call to arms or a rally cry for the big push.
"I don't know anything concrete, but the lads have stories about it. Si recons its haunted and evil spirits walk there at night. Don't believe it, Si also recons aliens have been landing and experimenting on the bloody animal corpse they've been finding.....no, that was last week, this week he is sure its witches and black mass."
"The animals, the guys were talking about that earlier, so was the barman."
"Arn? he never leaves the bar, gets all his info from the daily rag and drunken banter."
"Not Arn, the young one. He was in here earlier and he was telling me about wild dogs running, well wild."
"Him?" Jed gave a sweeping gesture with his hand to pass him off as nothing. "He's new, been here a week tops. No one knows much about him, he's only here during the day while real men are out working (I didn't stop to correct him as last time I looked barman was a job) and he hasn't drunk here at night. Probably goes straight home to Mummy wherever home is. Don't even know his name."
"But the woods." I tried to steer his thoughts back. "What do you think happened there?"
"Me? Nothing. Things happen, animals live there, some of them are really nasty when hungry. Did you know a pig has easily enough strength in its jaw to bite through a mans leg? Stories say they were used to get rid of bodies after murders; and a fox will merrily kill a whole coop full of hens if it gets in but only takes one or two for food."
"So large animals usually turn up inside out away from their homes?"
"Not so much, but it happens. And the papers love a good countryside mauling to remind the urbanites how backwards it is out here and how lucky they are the closest they get to wildlife is a kebab on a Friday."
"Where about does this happen? and how did anyone find out? Its not like its happened on the village green."
Jed considered this and shrugged before he answered. "There's a bend in the river and a couple of things have been found there; but allsorts collect there in the weeds around the bend so anything could fall in and drown and be nibbled by the pike before scaring some poor dog walker half to death; the sheep have been found out in the scrub land by the woods and the bottom fields where they graze. Its not hard to find, still some police tape hanging from the trees around it and the local boys hangout there as they say its cool."
I narrowed down the locations making a mental note of how far the bend was from the fields.
"If I were to ask about witches, would you run away from me?" It was a stab, I asked without even thinking about it.
"Ha." Jed laughed straight at me. "You mean those crazy bitches that flock around Mary? They aren't witches just silly girls turned by someone who fills their heads with feminist crap and tells them they can do what they want and go where they like."
From the change to his tone I picked up a slight anti Mary vibe. It was as subtle as an elephant in an anthill.
"That bitch" He continued and I inserted Mary's name into the second pause after the swear. "She changes people, takes nice girls and makes them so stuck up its like their heads are up their arses."
"Do you know any of them? The girls I mean,"
"Yeah, we know all the local girls. I dated a few of them and now they won't have anything to do with us."
Well, a little education can't be a bad thing I guess and I don't really blame them.
"What's more, she takes them away from their families and packs them off to disappear into nowhere."
I lost track of the continuation of Jed's speech. Echo's of conversations past swirled into the fog of my mind and I was at an initial loss as to how to process it. Mary obviously has a lot of influence over her clique, but is funding them in their education a bad thing? From a local lads point of view as the potential pool of lifetime, or temporary, partners was rapidly being flushed away it must be a devastating and traumatic experience. On the other hand, I had a couple of areas to focus some time on tomorrow if I could find them and that'll have to do unless I get anything else tonight.
A fresh pint was put in front of Jed and a half was slopped down by me. I thanked the farmhand/waiter and felt like saying multiple glasses should be carried on a tray and not by dipping fingers in the top (especially as they had been working on a farm all day with - from my limited experience based on vet shows - with their arms up a cow's bum) but thought better of it.
Timing is everything, especially in comedy and escaping fertility, and as if by Universal coincidence the doors to the Jolly Reaper were opened wide and slow like a gaping yawn and into the public house walked a collection of girls and at their heels entering like a Queen being escorted by her ladies in waiting, flowed Mary.
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